Back in college, I had a secret blog which only a handful of my closest friends knew about. I would write in this blog about every little frustration, disappointment and sadness that I would feel in the most cryptic of ways. I would always be ambiguous even with the knowledge that not a lot of people would actually take time to read my thoughts in my small corner of the web. Although I was careful not to be straightforward about putting my emotions into words, I remained very honest with what I wrote.
This blog helped me tremendously in a way that I had an avenue to simply throw all my negative and honest feelings away from myself. An entry could be as short as one word or as long as 3000 characters. In retrospect, that writing habit truly took away a bulk of heaviness off my chest every time I came across a trivial annoyance or experienced something which caused a grand scale wave of despair.
I would be extremely embarrassed if anyone outside of those few friends came across that blog now and read all my adolescent angst, sadness and frustrations. The thing is though, I cannot really get myself to delete that blog because it was, and still is, a huge part of me.
I can certainly say that I have come a long way if I compare my self today against my self in that glum blog. In hindsight, what I realized about that entire misery-ridden blog writing experience is that I was able to be genuinely honest with how I felt. Writing proved to be really easy when I write what I knew or about how I felt, which I guess applies to every subject matter or any other avenue of expression. Honesty makes things so much easier, yes?
What I am trying really hard now however, is to write about the positive things I am feeling or experiencing, and of course, remaining truthful to myself while doing so. This may be more difficult, since (based on what I read somewhere) a person’s mind is much more predisposed into feelings of negativity, and I was so used to writing about sad stuff.
If I could only pass over this habit of telling the truth to everyday things — such as being honest to someone — then life could probably be much better and I would probably feel lighter. There are certainly times in life wherein it takes so much effort to be honest with how you feel and it just feels easier to compartmentalize undesirable feelings into a small part of the brain. But it takes a toll on you in the long run and soon enough, this ball of negativity will consume you.
I really do hope that I can have the courage and determination to counter this. Just two weeks ago for instance, I had such a lovely lovely morning on my way to work. But how come I didn’t even take the time to write about that? I should have, I should have. My night would have probably been better. So, honesty and positivity starts now.
Of course there would be unavoidable situations wherein I would need to vent out some frustration, but I will try my very best to focus on the brighter side of life. By doing so, I may eventually have the courage to be honest with certain people when need be.
Honesty to oneself is such a freeing feeling. Although sometimes there are risks involved, the feeling of liberty from that ball of lies inside oneself is priceless.
Sometimes you get to have the best seat in the house.
Timing really is everything. Funny how things can just fall in place without you noticing it. One day you simply realize that things have changed so dramatically, although very slowly.
But life mostly present ironic circumstances you know. Which is shitty.
They’re ready. You’re not. Then you’re ready, they’re not. Timing is the shit, but sometimes ya gotta swallow your pride and have a serving of some humble pie. That’s the worst.
I feel like I’ve just lost to the biggest lottery in history. There’s a knot in my chest and it’s kind of difficult to breath. My heart literally ached for a while there. Nothing to get frantic about though.
How come I never learn about these things, I don’t know.
You know that song that goes that’s what you get when you let your heart win?
Well, this is what I got when I let my head win. I guess the regret is so much bigger in this instance. Something so so so close has suddenly been snatched away. I would like to believe it was already close to something significant. And the most annoying thing about this is that only have myself to blame. At least I could have tried harder, you know?
Mind over matter, but maybe not mind over heart.
I’d really love to rant, but I have to stop and just move move move.
I guess I would be running a lot again.